The Boy of My Dreams -part 11

When I finally trudged home, I slammed the door shut behind me. My mom looked up at my sobbing face from her position in the corner of the couch and immediately muted the TV. “Baby, what’s wrong?”
I stomped into the living room and glared at the cousin next to her. “I-I-I broke up w-w-with Sean….” I sobbed.

Her expression immediately sank. “Oh, honey…” She put her arms up as signal me to hug her. I fell down onto the couch next to her and just sobbed into her shoulder. She wrapped her arms around me and combed her fingers through my hair.
I loved my mom. Most teenagers hated their parents, but not me. My mom was always hugging me and showing me love and never got too involved in my life, but just enough to still be a parent.
Plus my mom knew when to shut up, ask no questions, and just hug.

“I hate him.” I sobbed, and she gently ‘shh’ed me.
“What happened…?” she asked softly.
“The assface cheated on me.” I mumbled. I knew she didn’t like me swearing, but right now I was pretty sure it was okay.
“Oh, Baby, I’m sorry.” She gently kissed the top of my head. “Are you sure?”
“He smelled like whore this morning and had lipstick on his shirt and there was a thong in his bathroom and he was taking her to the mall today and her car was parked in his driveway.”
She clicked her tongue. “That little bitch doesn’t even compare to you.” She paused for a minute. “I thought you slept over at Sean’s house?”
“I ended up staying at Marcus’s.”
She glanced down at me. “But aren’t those Sean’s clothes?”
“He made me change out of Marcus’s.”
“…Why were you in Marcus’s clothes…?” she asked in a warning tone.
“Ugh. It’s a long, long, long-long-long, story.” I whined. “For a quick answer, I was outside and it was raining and Marcus lent me some clothes.”
She hummed, knowing that I wasn’t really going to give good answers right now. I just cried into my mom’s shoulder as she held me close, The Food Network on quietly on the TV in front of us.
After a good hour, I had stopped crying for the most part. Quieted down, at least. The Food Network was still on and showing off a bunch of ‘delicious foods great for the holiday season.’ Pffft. A giant chocolate cake looked delicious for any season.
“That cake looks good…” I mumbled into my mother’s shoulder and she smiled at me.
“I have the recipe for it; you want me to make it?”
“Yes, please.”
She smiled softly and kissed the top of my head again. She gently stood up and placed a pillow from the other couch in her place, resting my head on it. She plated a kiss on my forehead and stared into the kitchen.
My mom always said to me that I should never feel unloved with all the kisses she gives me. And to feel loved was just what I needed right now.


I guess after a while I had fallen asleep on the couch, because when I opened my eyes, there was a piece of delicious looking chocolate cake, complete with chocolate frosting and sprinkled candy cane pieces on top.
When my mom cooked, she went all out.
During Christmas time, I swear she never left the kitchen. The heat from the oven could probably warm the whole house with how much it was used.

I smiled the slightest and sat up, swinging my legs onto the floor. I brought the plate into my lap and felt my eyes roll back in my head a little at the amazing smell coming from it. I took for fork from the table and slowly dug into the amazing item and placed it in my mouth. I mumbled and ‘oh, my god,’ with a smile as the chocolately sensation overwhelmed me. I glanced at the clock above the TV and sighed. 12:30 already?

I quickly finished the cake and walked into the kitchen, placing the plate in the sink. My mom was at the kitchen table reading over a magazine or something and I gave her a light kiss on the cheek. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, baby.” She smiled at me. “You want me to do anything? Kick someone’s ass? Call someone’s mom?”
I shook my head. “No, its okay… I’m just gonna be in my room for a while…”
“Alright…”
As I left the kitchen, I heard tiny paws following me. Shorty was right on my heels as I walked up the stairs and into my bedroom. My sister was on her bed reading a magazine and when I walked past her doorway, she looked up to say something, but quickly shut her mouth when she saw my face. “L-Lissa, what’s wrong?”
I glanced at her from my doorway. “…I broke up with Sean.” I said quietly. I said it like I didn’t believe it myself. Because I guess I couldn’t believe it.
“O-Oh…” she replied softly. I knew she didn’t know what to say. We always said rude remarks, so it was a sudden change of pace to say something nice. I didn’t think much of it, though. I simply walked into my bedroom and slowly pushed the door shut behind me.
I walked over to my bed and sat down, turning on my iHome and looked through the music. I put on a play list of softer music, putting it on really quiet though, so my room wouldn’t be dead quiet.

I sat there for about ten seconds before I felt tears well up in my eyes again. I let out a blinked slowly, squeezing my eyes shut as wetness started to run down my cheeks.
I honestly wasn’t sure why I was even crying now. The immediate answer my head gave me was ‘Because you just broke up with your boyfriend of a year and a half,’ but I had a feeling that wasn’t it. Yes, Sean was my boyfriend for all of that time, and yes, I had loved him, but the fact that he was cheating on me for a whore like Jessica for who knows how long.
Maybe it was the fact that he generally wasn’t a good boyfriend.
Maybe it was because how calm I was when I had said I didn’t love him.
But after thinking for a few moments, I suddenly broke into loud sobs when the horrible reason hit me.

I was crying because I was stupid.



I was crying because didn’t listen. To anyone.
To my best friend.
To my better judgment.
And even to the guy in my head.
I ignored everyone and I was stupid. Was I even in love? Was it love I felt?
I started playing everything over in my head, wondering at what point my common sense had left.
Marcus. Jackie. Gray.
Why hadn’t I listened?
Why had I believed Sean when he said he wasn’t doing anything wrong and I was the one that had screwed up?

Why had I been so damn stupid?

I snuggled the side of my face into my pillow and let out a sigh. I heard Shorty walk around my room a little before laying down under my bed. As the music quietly played a song I couldn’t hear, a thing I had read online came into my head.
“Oh, my heart, oh, my heart… You have been such a fool…” I recited quietly. “Fooled by beauty and desire, but how could I blame you? It’s crazy, it’s stupid, but reason will not help. You give him so much, and he doesn’t care. He hurts you, and you just follow him. Can you tell me what would be the point to love you, my dear? And lie and lie and lie to myself…” I sighed quietly. I don’t know why I remembered all the words, or why they came back to me now. “We give, we share, we cry, we hope, and hope again…”
I heard a quiet knock on my door before it slowly creaked open. I looked up at my mirror on my dresser to see who it was.
And hope again…
“Hey, Lissa…” came the quiet voice of my best friend.
Even in a dead end, there is still hope.




I swallowed hard and pressed my face into the pillow.
How the hell did Marcus find out about this?
I heard him take a few steps towards me and I didn’t move. Maybe he would think I was asleep or something if I didn’t answer him.
Probably not.

I felt the bed shift slightly as he sat down on the edge of the bed behind me. There was a very long pause before he spoke quietly, “I’m not sure whether to say ‘congrats’ or ‘I’m sorry’…”
I bit my lip and didn’t say anything.
I heard him let out a long sigh. “Your mom called asking me about what happened. I asked her what happened and we put the pieces together…” he mumbled. Then there was silence for a while as if he was debating whether or not to speak. “…Why didn’t you just trust us and listen…?”
“I don’t know!” I suddenly barked, my shoulders starting to shake as I cried. “I don’t know!! I thought I knew what I was doing! I thought I knew what was best for me!”
“You knew what was best for you. You wanted him instead.”
“I didn’t know anything was wrong until fucking Jessica came along!”
“’Cept for the fact that he tried to rape you twice and was never on time to pick you up for anything.”
“H-He didn’t try to-”
“You told me last night he did.”
“…B-But-”
“And now you’re defending him?”
I choked back a sob. Why was I defending him? “I-I…” I squeezed my eyes shut in a desperate attempt to stop my crying.
“He cheated on you for a whore and you finally end it and what? You still-”
“I hate him.” I spat through my tears. “I fucking hate him. Don’t even think that I-I want him back. He has Jessica now. Better than me, apparently.”
I heard him let out a sad sigh and place his hand on my upper arm, rubbing it comfortingly. “Lissa… D-Don’t say that…”
“Why? It‘s true.” I growled. “I mean, she’s a whore. How ever could I complete with a whore? And she’s a cheerleader, too! Added bonus. Makes her extra easy, just like he would want.”
“And how does that make her better than you, huh?”
I sniffled. “Because she has him.”
“Yeah. Him. The guy who cheated on his girlfriend for a whore and lied to trying to cover it up and made it look like she was the bad person instead of his cheating ass. His cheating ass that treats his girlfriend like shit. Tell me again why she has it better again?”
I glared at the wall across from me.
God damn him for making a good point.

When I let out another sob, he laid down next to me with his hand still on my shoulder and stared up at my ceiling. “Lissa… please stop crying…” he said softly, more like a plea than a request.
Whenever I cried, no matter what it was about, Marcus would always be one of the first people to try and calm me down and make me stop.
This time it wasn’t working too well, though.
Because Marcus didn’t know how to fix it.


He gently rubbed my back and tried to ‘shh’ my cries away, but with little success. After a while, he pulled some strands of hair out of my face. “Lissa… Look at me…”
“H-Huh?”
“Turn towards me.”
After a moment, I rolled over in the bed to face him, but didn’t look up at him; I kept my face to the pillow. But he gently took my chin and made me look up at him. “You shouldn’t cry this much over a jerk like him…” He wiped a few of my tears away.
“I still loved him and he still lied to me and he still cheated on me and he’s still not in my life anymore.”
He let out a sigh and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, hugging me to is chest. I gently grabbed onto his shirt and cried into his embrace.
But he seemed to be holding me a little tight… And I couldn’t help but wonder:
Was Sean lying about everything he had said…?

But I didn’t want to say anything. I just wanted to try to forget the whole weekend.
Tomorrow would be fun.
I could just imagine it now: Sean and Marcus getting into a bad fight. I knew they would.
Marcus would throw punches for breaking his best friend’s heart, and Sean for Marcus existing and ruin his plan.
But what surprised me the most was Marcus’s lack of ‘I am going to kill him with a knife.’ Maybe he was just trying to make the subject go away so I would stop crying.
Then when he leaves take him out.

But Marcus just kept hugging me. Usually -well, always- I wouldn’t mind it. But right now it was kind of awkward. I didn’t know why. Maybe because I had broken up with my boyfriend.
Or maybe the fact that we were on a bed.
Yeah. That was probably it.
But he held me and ‘shh’ed me and let me cry into his shirt. And that was pretty much what I needed right now.

When, eventually, I stopped audibly crying and just had the salty water coming from my eyes, I felt my friend’s grip slightly loosen on me.
“Lissa…”
I slowly turned my head up to him and he leaned in slightly.

…
Was it just me or was he kissing me?



His lips caught the very corner of mine, so it was mostly my cheek, but still. The fact of the matter was my best friend’s lips were still touching me.


I couldn’t bring myself to move.
To kiss him back.
To push him away.
To do anything.
I just laid there.

After a few moments, he pulled away and, without even looking me in the eye, pressed me to his torso again.

All I could feel the sinking feeling in my stomach. What was I supposed to do now? To say? To think?
All I knew that the only thing going through my mind was ‘Oh, fuck.’

I just laid there numbly as he continued to hold me.

You know how sometimes when you think about something that happened way too hard, you start to think you imagined it and it didn’t really happen? That it was just in your head? And the more you think how impossible the situation was and how it could only happen with a good imagination, the more you start to believe yourself.
But them something always happens to drag you back into reality by your throat, because when it happens you feel like you cant breathe.
And of course, reality had to be cruel when it brought me back with the words, “I shouldn’t have done that, should I?”
‘No, Marcus. No, you shouldn’t have done that.’
“Alyssa…”
‘What, Marcus.’
“I-I’m sorry. I-I don’t know what I was thinking…”
‘I don’t know what you were thinking either.’
“L-Let’s pretend that didn’t happen…’
‘Fine by me. But you wanted to do that, didn’t you?’
“I’m sorry.”
‘Jackie’s gonna kill me.’

Marcus had gone home.
Emily had gone to Brooke’s.
Mom had gone to work.
Leaving me home by myself.

‘Hello, new, loud looking speakers. My name’s Alyssa. I am very angry and confused right now and want my eardrums busted with loud music.’ I stared lovingly at the new speakers on my desk and jacked in my iPod. ‘I Don’t Want To Be in Love by Good Charlotte seems like a good choice right now.’ I looked through the songs and smirked slightly when the curser landed on it. As soon as I pressed play, the opening riffs of the song blared through my speakers and I felt my heart soar.
Perfect.
I sang the lyrics loudly, trying to let out all my frustration and confusion and the feeling of tears still in my eyes looming over me, eventually starting to spill out again.
“Everybody!! Put up your hands, say I don’t wanna be in love! I don’t wanna be in love! Feel the beat now, if you got nothing left, say I don’t wanna be in love! I don’t wanna be in love!  Break it up now, you’ve got a reason to live, say I don’t wanna be in love! I don’t wanna be in love! Feelin' good now don’t be afraid to get down say I don’t wanna be in love! I don’t wanna be in love!”

It felt good to scream with all this anger in me. A lot better than punching a wall or something. Taylor tended to do that when she was angry and she usually regretted it afterwards.
I slammed my back to the wall and continued to shout the lyrics as I sank to the floor, tears still in my eyes. “We break up, it’s something that we do now. Everyone has got to do it sometime. It’s okay, let it go, get out there and find someone.”
I banged the back of my head on the wall to the loud beats of the music before resting my head on my forearms that were propped up on my knees. “It’s too late to be trippin' on the phone here. Get off the wire, you knew everything was good here.”
I glared at the wall in front of me over my knees as I said the lyrics softly, “Stop what you’re doin', you don’t wanna ruin, the chance that you've got to, find a new one.”

I felt so stupid. So stupid.
Marcus said ‘brother-sister relationship.’ And that was it.
So that’s what I always thought of it as. And that was it.
Someone liking you more than a friend doesn’t cause you to feel that feeling back.

And I felt so weird because my best friend kissed me.
Marcus LaBlanc kissed me.
He pulled the ‘Ask not, but take one’ thing.
I didn’t get reaction time to say, ‘No, I don’t want to do this,’ or ‘I just broke up with my boyfriend. Stop,’ or even anything. And once he did I was too shocked to speak.

But my mind kept going over to Jackie.
She liked him. A lot. And I knew that. She never said it, but I knew she did.
But what would she think when she found out about this? Would she be mad at me even though I didn’t do anything?

I smacked my head against the wall a few times.
Tomorrow was going to suck.
I broke up with my cheating boyfriend (I would have to deal with him) and the whore he probably slept with (I would have to deal with her) and my best friend kissed me (I would have to deal with him) and one of my other friends likes him (I would have to deal with her) and I would have to tell everyone why we broke up (I would have to deal with everyone. Because at my school, ‘don’t wanna talk about it’ doesn’t cut it.)

Plus all the random people “Hey, I heard you guys broke up?” “Why’d you guys break up?” “What happened?” “Sean’s single now?! Oh my god!!”
This would be so much fun.
And it’s a Monday.
Wooo.